Conscious Leadership For PMs Who Take On Too Much

[00:00:00] Michael Mordak: Welcome everybody. Welcome to the latest in our community event series with the digital project manager. Um, we’re super happy to have you join us today and take part. So for anybody who doesn’t know me yet, um, my name is Michael Mordak. I’m the community producer for the digital project manager, and we’ve got a jam packed session today.

So I’m going to introduce our guests really shortly, but first, um, a quick tradition that we always do. So please open up the chat. Let us know where you’re tuning in from today. Uh, and then keep that chat window open because we’re going to be making use of that today. Uh, so don’t, don’t let it get too far away from you.

Uh, but yeah, let us know where you’re tuning in from today. I myself, I’m in Campbell river, uh, on Vancouver Island, British Columbia. So it’s, it’s actually, we’re going to have a sunny day, sunny day today for the first time in a while. And maybe the last one until about like next March, but I don’t know.

Fingers crossed. We see some more sun who’s who knows. So just to kind of set the scene, taking a hundred res a hundred percent responsibility as project leaders is a [00:01:00] radical step. Our ability to s to successfully manage our projects, our clients, and ultimately ourselves, comes down to how we show up on a day-to-day basis to help us understand, understand radical responsibility and conscious leadership.

For PMs who take on too much, we are a welcoming inner MBA grad and conscious leader, uh, advocate, Matthew Fox. Welcome Matthew. Oh Matthew, you’re muted. We was going so smoothly.

[00:01:30] Matthew Fox: It was going so smoothly. That is the brilliant thing about living in a virtual world, which very much is in the same sentiment of what it’s like to be a project manager these days.

And for me, I find myself moving from situation to situation, wondering which way is up. And how am I trying to stay in control of myself? Over the next [00:02:00] 20 minutes or so, we’re going to take a deep dive into how we can lose control of a project while still maintaining control of ourselves and still keep everyone happy.

So with that, there’s a couple of things that I want to make sure we are all in alignment on. So that way you get the most out of this presentation. A lot of the time I find if I join a presentation, I may be multitasking, especially as a project manager, we’re experts at it. Today, I have three requests to for you to get the most out of this experience.

First, to limit or eliminate any distractions. Now I realize some of you may be at home with family. You may have other commitments going on. Do your best to see about being present. Maintain an open mind. And to participate in polls and chat, this will be a little bit different than the traditional DPM experience we’ve had here.[00:03:00]

So first thing, what’s preventing you from being present in this session? It may be, uh, like Michael just put in chat that he has a sick child at home. What’s keeping you from being fully present right now? And for those of you, I invite you to put that in chat. And in response to that Are you willing and able to be fully present over the next 20 minutes or so while we go through this material?

I promise the more present you are, the more benefit you’re going to get out of this. So with that, let’s jump in. What is conscious leadership to give you an idea? There’s a few definitions that I’ve pulled from online to give you a concept of what we’re about to enter into. This is a little bit of a different leadership practice.

And for me, at the end of the day, it’s essentially using self awareness to realize how and where [00:04:00] I’m showing up and to be able to fully show up, not just authentically, but to be able to realize how I’m showing up and how that could be impacting those around me. So you may also be asking yourself, conscious leadership, what is this?

It was originally created through the work of Gay and Katie Hendricks, and it’s been brought into the business realm by the 15 Commitments to Conscious Leadership, and the model we’re going to be going over today is through what I’ve been trained in called Crafted Leadership. Now with crafted leadership, there are 12 different things and we’re going to be covering the first, which is about healthy responsibility to quickly cover the others.

We’ll touch a little bit on emotional literacy today. The others we can cover in future sessions if there’s interest, but they’re going to really all tie together to understand not only how we’re showing up, but how those dynamics are impacting those around us. So the additional ones that [00:05:00] we have. Go through things like transparency, feedback, appreciation, which I do think project managers are really good with appreciation.

Uh, we’re good at recognizing differences. Creativity and a play can be a stretch as well as choosing brilliance. But for today, we’re going to start off with emotional literacy and self awareness. So you may be asking yourself, I’m a project manager. I’ve got a high EQ. That’s why I got hired, or I’ve been working on my EQ.

I’ve been hearing a lot about it. EQ is great, but self awareness is really the next step. And what this looks like, we go off of four different emotions. We’re not going to dive too deep into these today, but it is something we can cover in the future. Now, each of these emotions has an important message for us.

For example, sadness can help us move through loss. Uh, for me personally, I’ve been managing and going through the transition [00:06:00] of a parent and COVID certainly brought up a lot of things and it’s really changed the dynamic that we have in the workplace. Uh, fear is another really important function and this is something where with fear, it helps us to be alert, it helps us assess threats, it really allows us to be aware of what’s going on around us.

Now, as a project manager, I constantly feel like I have been under threat because of changing requirements because of, uh, things changing in an internal organization. For those of you in the project management space, especially, and I realized not everyone here may be a project manager. So I’ll try to tackle both sides of it.

We enter into a situation where The ancient things that our lizard brain likes to reinforce from us of a client is yelling, we’re not going to hit our timeline, we’re behind on something, [00:07:00] isn’t really serving the function that it was originally created for. The same thing that allows us to jump out of the way of a speeding garbage truck, or Of a car that may not be paying attention because they’re looking at their cell phone and they’re distracted can also, uh, come up when we’re getting yelled at in a meeting or we’re getting feedback that we weren’t expecting.

And there’s a way that we can dive in and understand a little bit more about our bodies, anger and joy. So anger is very much in that sense of we’re not getting something that we want, or we’re getting something that we don’t want. And a lot of the time, what ends up happening with anger is it will come out sideways or it’ll come out in a way that we don’t expect and we don’t always realize what’s happening.

And last but not least, joy. Joy is one of the things as project managers, I, it took me a long time to become very [00:08:00] comfortable and very familiar with joy. And essentially, joy is a feeling that bubbles up and it happens all over our body. Now, there are certain questions that we can ask when we notice certain feelings are coming up in our body, and this goes back to the somatic awareness piece.

For example, with sadness, what’s the loss or what might I need to let go of? For example, if a project that you were working on for the past year doesn’t launch, There may be sadness that’s going to come up. If a client relationship is in danger or jeopardy, or you lose an account, that may be another place that sadness is going to come up fear.

Uh, am I perceiving a threat to my environment? Is there an actual physical or threat to myself? I could talk a lot about this one. I feel like project managers, especially in the digital realm, are very familiar with fear. [00:09:00] Uh, anger. Anger is going to be much more subtle, I feel like, especially in a professional space.

Uh, unless you’re highly dysregulated or you are in an environment where anger is rewarded. Anger is typically not something that we experience or we go through on a daily basis. It’s going to be much more under the surface. And then last but not least, joy. If that’s coming up, what do we want to celebrate?

And something I work on that I encourage all of you to work on is, you know, what wants to be celebrated? What are things that you could be celebrating? And I feel like there’s a lot of opportunity in the project management space to celebrate, but that’s a conversation for another time. You may be asking yourself, okay, you covered a lot about emotions and I don’t really understand them, or I have some concept of emotions.

And part of the reason that they’re so important or they’re [00:10:00] critical for us is because our body is our best place to understand When emotions are coming up, what’s happening, and this ties back to the boundaries piece. So, for example, If we’re noticing something in our upper chest area, this is most likely sadness.

If we’re noticing something in our stomach, it’s most likely fear. If it’s going to be in our upper part of our body, it may be anger. It may be something, uh, that like we’re tension or we’re holding a lot of tension in our body. And then last but not least, joy is going to be all over our body. For any of you who have spent time in therapy, you may be familiar with the feelings wheel.

Bye for now. This is a very simplistic way of looking at the feelings wheel. Yes, there are a lot of other emotions out there. But for the purposes of this, we’re really just focused on certain parts of the body and becoming familiar. Because [00:11:00] if we’re in a situation where we’re noticing something is happening in our body, and it’s not joy, That’s a really good indicator that we’re probably experiencing some type of boundary violation.

Now, boundaries are a interesting and fun topic to dig into in the sense that most of the time when I’ve experienced something related to boundaries, it shows up as either anger or it shows up as fear. And the beautiful thing about this, as we become more familiar with it, we go through a state of something we’d like to talk about where there’s contraction or heaviness with these, these, certain energies.

They’re not good or bad, but it’s really a sense that if we’re sad, if we’re afraid, or if we’re angry, we’re coming at things from a contracted state. And when we come to something from a contracted state, what ends up happening is it makes us [00:12:00] less efficient. It makes us less able to do our job. Now, as we learn about responsibility, we may learn how to shift into an expanded state.

And when you go into this expanded state, the world opens up. You have more options available to you and you have more control over your internal world because when we operate from fear or sadness or anger, we’re not making the best decisions. When we operate from joy, we make better decisions. If you have any questions, I realize I’m going relatively quickly through this, feel free to throw them in chat.

We’re going to dive into responsibility next and to get a little bit of an idea about responsibility and project managers. I believe a lot of project managers are going to exist in a state of over functioning. So what does that mean? If we’re taking less responsibility, it’s essentially we’re [00:13:00] showing up where we’re not working to our full capability as project managers.

If we’re taking a hundred percent responsibility, things around us feel easier. We’re able to get through the day. We’re able to operate from a place of power instead of having to force everything. I know for me, I often end up in this over functioning zone and I’m trying to control the deliverables for the project team.

I’m trying to make sure everything gets done, right. I’m trying to keep clients happy at the end of the day from an agency perspective, because if I don’t keep either my internal stakeholders and clients happy, or I don’t keep my external clients happy, they may leave. And that could reflect poorly on me.

And I’m probably taking much more responsibility for these things than I need to. So you may be asking yourself, well, how do I know if I’m in a state of less? Regular or over [00:14:00] responsibility. So on the screen, I have some examples of where you may be taking less than 100 percent responsibility or under functioning in your experience as a project manager or a project leader, and I want you to sit with these for a moment.

Um, have you been in a situation where you’re saying there’s a challenge that comes up and you’re just washing your hands of it. You’re saying this is not my job. Uh, I’m going to let someone else take care of it. I’m not going to delegate. I’m not going to communicate about it. Um, or you may be going back to that contracted state and you’re blown out.

You’re like, I’m afraid no one on the team is going to be able to handle this. Like we just can’t do it. You may be in a situation where, especially in the agency space, That’s the way we’ve always done it. Or if you’re at a larger organization, there’s a challenge that comes up and you’re sitting there and saying, well, there’s no way for us to get around this.

Like we only have certain [00:15:00] options available to us. That’s a very narrow view of the world. And we’re taking less responsibility for a situation than we have the opportunity to, uh, making others responsible for our happiness. I have struggled with that a lot throughout my career. I remember back to situations where unless everything was going in what I deemed was perfect on a project, what would end up happening is I wouldn’t be happy at the end of the day or I would take a lot of the challenges and the frustrations of things that weren’t going the way that I thought they should in the workplace, I would take those home with me and it was draining me.

Uh, feedback, I generally think SPMs were good with feedback. But maybe you’re looking at a situation and you’re saying, you know, I’m not getting what I want. People are giving me feedback. I can’t change and I’m stuck. And last but not least, I tend to think more people blame project [00:16:00] managers. But with that, I’m curious about each of you and I want to get a little feedback from you.

So we’re going to display a poll about where you may be showing up with less than a hundred percent feet or less than a hundred percent responsibility.

And Michael, how are we looking so far with responses on the poll?

[00:16:31] Michael Mordak: It’s looking pretty good. We’ve got a few people coming in so far. I’m making others responsible for my happiness is. Taking the lead at about 60 percent of the votes. And we’ve got quite a few votes in there, although I should, maybe I shouldn’t have, I should have waited. So I don’t sway the results. I know that that’s

[00:16:49] Matthew Fox: okay.

That’s, that’s fantastic for, for where we are. It looks like some people can’t see the poll, uh,

[00:16:56] Michael Mordak: where

[00:16:56] Matthew Fox: essentially it’s the ones on the screen. So if you can’t see the poll, just go [00:17:00] ahead and put it in chat, uh, which of the five things, or if there’s more than one of the five things, for example, some people are choosing them all.

And notice when you’re selecting these, what happens to your body? What happens internally? Do you notice again, that sense of expansion? Like you’re like, this is fantastic. I love this. Like I’m not taking responsibility or are you contracted and you notice like your energy is moving out or your energy is escaping from what’s going on.

I noticed for me, as soon as I started to think about any of these, I’m just like, Oh, there’s like a weight that goes on my shoulders. So, all right, Michael, where are we at? Let’s go ahead and close the poll. Just give us like the top two.

[00:17:44] Michael Mordak: Yeah, I think I can press, I think I can share results.

[00:17:47] Matthew Fox: Making others responsible for happiness and assuming no agency.

Super common, super normal. Um, now we’re going to go into the next one and I want you to check in with your body when [00:18:00] I bring up this quote.

Do you notice anything happening in your shoulders? Do you notice anything happening in your stomach? For me, I noticed a little bit of things in my stomach. Now, why is that? I think it’s because as project managers, we’re put in a position of taking too much responsibility for our projects. For example, I was talking with someone where they would get a deliverable.

And when they would get that deliverable and if it didn’t meet their standard, then what ended up happening is they would redo it. Or it ended up being that they would sit there and spend all night working on something and then end up burning out. Or I’ve very much been in a situation where if I don’t take care of something, the project’s going to fail.

And if the project fails. I fail, and if I fail, I’m going to get fired, and if I get fired, I’m going to [00:19:00] end up in a van down by the river, and it’s going to be the end of the world. Um, not that ending up in a van down by the river here in Colorado would be terrible, but the funny part about it is, how many of these things resonate for you?

Like, over accountability, we had a recent thread in the DPM. Slack group that I was talking to someone about and they gave me permission to to share with you all where they were looking at or updating their resume and when they went to update their resume, they wanted to mention that they worked on a project that had failed and they were worried how that was going to be perceived by Uh, a recruiter or by someone else when they had to talk about a project that they ran that failed, well, this is a reality of being human.

And I think that’s one of the things that sometimes I forget and why I love this work so much at the end of the day is this gives me permission and it reminds me that we are human. Although project managers [00:20:00] are responsible for the outcome of a project. And there is a loose argument that project managers, if a project goes well, it’s because we are successful.

The entire success of a project isn’t all on the project manager’s shoulders. And the more we can remove that from our shoulders, the better off we can function. And I’ve actually put in boundaries around this where I will accept responsibility for those things that I have control over. And let go of responsibility for those things that I don’t have control over.

And we’re going to dig into a little bit more of that with the DPM members here at the second half of the hour, before we do that, uh, Michael, can you show the next poll?

[00:20:45] Michael Mordak: Yeah, here it comes.

[00:20:47] Matthew Fox: And with this poll, I am, I wouldn’t be surprised if you’re checking all of these boxes, because I know for me, when I went through this. Experience the first time I was like, wow, I’m [00:21:00] doing all of these things. I can’t believe it. What a terrible project manager I must be. And at the end of the day, this isn’t a reflection, it’s much more awareness.

And the more awareness that we can develop, the more awareness that we can bring, we are gaining back control. We are gaining back the ability to see how we’re showing up, and then we have a conscious choice. And while you’re finishing up the poll, there was another, uh, Slack thread where someone in the DPM group posted Was excited about the fact that they take on other responsibilities around the office because they can do them and those things bring them joy now from a productivity and efficiency perspective that could be questionable.

But if you’re doing things that are beyond responsibility that you enjoy, that’s okay. As long as you realize like what it’s doing to you and what impact it has. Uh, Michael, how are we looking on the poll?[00:22:00]

[00:22:02] Michael Mordak: Almost, almost everybody has participated. I can end it now, if you’d like.

[00:22:05] Matthew Fox: Awesome. Yeah, go ahead. Let’s end it. Let’s see what’s going on.

Now, the biggest thing that I want to point out, outside of the fact of how high some of these things are, is just how much more these resonate than the first set of things. Which, you may be asking yourself, and we’ll quickly cover this, All right, well, what does 100 percent responsibility look like? How do I know when I can stop over functioning or I’m controlling team deliverables or I’m avoiding burnout?

That’s where 100 percent responsibility comes in. So 100 percent responsibility, I think as project managers, we do some of these already. For example, I work really hard to create psychological safety on my teams because if I’m leading a project or I’m leading a project team, I want people to be able to come to me when.

They’re not performing or [00:23:00] when they’re struggling or when they have too much on their plate. If they don’t tell me they have too much on their plate, I can’t do something about it. And if we don’t have those open lines of communication, I’m losing that trust factor with my teams. Uh, acknowledging our accountability.

Anytime I’m running late now, I not only let people know that I’m running late, I also open up the conversation to say, if you have feelings about this, Or if you want to create space because you’re frustrated, some people, time is a big deal. And I know for me, I can get annoyed when people are running late.

A lot of the time, people are afraid to bring up that conversation, so that becomes stuck energy. That becomes some contracted energy between us. And if that person doesn’t take responsibility for it or accountability for it, that can start to fracture the relationship. Facilitation is something I think PMs do naturally well.

Acknowledging kept agreements, I think we [00:24:00] do a good job here. And I think this is something that can start to take back power when there’s been a lot of research, for example, about, uh, the command and conquer approach to leading projects. And I used to be in that space. Well, for me, what I’ve shifted into is looking when someone honors or agrees to do something, and then they actually do that.

I want to celebrate that because positive reinforcement actually gets more rewards. It actually reinforces that behavior and improves it instead of being punitive. And instead of, uh, holding someone There’s, there’s a way to hold someone accountable without making them at bad or at fault for doing something.

For example, Michael, is it okay if I use our example from earlier today?

[00:24:52] Michael Mordak: Uh, yeah, go for it.

[00:24:54] Matthew Fox: So, uh, Michael shared in chat that he has a sick child at home. It was a little bit [00:25:00] chaotic as we were getting on the call. And, uh, an old version of me may have been like, well, why didn’t you have someone else to take care of the kids?

Why didn’t you do something else? And that’s not the reality we live in and it wouldn’t have gotten me the outcome that I wanted because what I want to be able to do is share information with you all. And I want Michael to be able to do the best that he can do. So it’s being able to create space and it’s being able to take responsibility for what I have, what he has, and for us to come together to produce the best thing possible.

Which I believe we’re all trying to do on our projects. So with that, that is a very quick walkthrough of what a hundred percent responsibility looks like. So this goes back to those of you, what’s one thing you’re taking away from this presentation? I would love to see that right now in chat.

And I know Michael is saying a [00:26:00] little bit about the challenges he’s had behind the scenes. So thank you very much, Michael, for, for being able to manage and juggle all the things you’re managing. Sarah’s talking about listening to our bodies. I think that’s fantastic. I do different exercises to do that.

Uh, more information about our bodies, holding myself to the same standards that I hold other people to, uh, and giving yourself grace, I think grace is incredibly important. Um, giving yourself a break. Self care is critical. I would love to do a whole course on self care and really help you all understand that taking some time for self care is key.

So a bonus or a stretch. is what is one behavior that you’re willing to start tomorrow. I realize we’re, we’re starting to talk a little bit about that. So I encourage you to continue to put those in chat while you’re doing that. I’m going to hand things back over to Michael to, uh, go ahead and wrap things up.

[00:26:55] Michael Mordak: Amazing. This is, this is incredible. Yeah. I mean, Obviously from you can see in the chat, [00:27:00] people are, are, uh, sharing, uh, their takeaways, one things that they’re, they’re hoping to get started on tomorrow that to just to be more aware in their bodies and of what they’re doing. Uh, this is incredible. So thanks so much, Matthew, uh, for, for sharing this today.

I know we don’t have a ton of time, uh, before the end of our, our time here. One more time. Thank you everybody for being here. Um, really appreciate it, Matthew. Thanks for sharing your time and for our DPM members. Uh, head over to the Slack channel. There are announcements channel has a link to our, our Zoom call.

We’re going to go over there. We’ll do a little private Q and A. And I think, believe Matthew has a, has an exercise he’s going to walk us through.

[00:27:36] Matthew Fox: Uh, welcome everyone to the second half of our show together, uh, for, I see a lot of familiar names and the participant list, super excited to see all of you, if you all have specific questions, uh, feel free to either pop them in chat or go ahead and, uh, come off from you and ask them directly.

If you don’t have questions, uh, let [00:28:00] me know. And there’s an, there’s additional exercises that I can walk us through.

[00:28:07] Diana Burnett: I’m excited about this exercises.

[00:28:11] Matthew Fox: So we have one vote for exercises. Uh, what else would you, uh, anyone have any questions?

No questions. I thought there would be at least one or two questions. I’m surprised. Um, all right. I, uh, would like a volunteer then to go through a example of how you can start to apply these tools. And there’s a very specific exercise that for DPM members only that I’m going to cover.

[00:28:46] Diana Burnett: I’ll volunteer.

[00:28:48] Matthew Fox: Is that Diana?

[00:28:49] Diana Burnett: That’s me. Let me turn my video on.

[00:28:52] Matthew Fox: Even better. How are you today, Diana?

[00:28:54] Diana Burnett: Good. How are you?

[00:28:55] Matthew Fox: I’m doing great. I am so excited to share this information with you all. [00:29:00] So one of the big things about responsibility is we may not always know when we’re taking more or less responsibility. And what I would like to do over the next 15 minutes or so is there’s a specific exercise called sensation, emotion, want, and what this exercise entails is it allows us to get a clear idea of some type of challenge or some type of issue that we may be running into.

So for example, I realized I covered them pretty quickly before. Let me bring back up The presentation here, my screen at work. There we go.

And to open, I’m sharing, nevermind. I’m not going to bring the presentation back up. I don’t have the ability to share Michael, if you’re back or if you’re there in the background. You can’t enable sharing. Great. If not, we’ll just we’ll go [00:30:00] like this. So there there’s those core emotions that we talked about that will show up in different parts of our body.

Sadness, anger, fear, or joy. And you can you can go into any of them. But what I, uh, the way this is going to work is you’re going to have one to two minutes to complain. About any challenges that are going on at work. If you, if you feel comfortable and you want to share this in a recorded space about any personal stuff, you can do that.

Uh, I like to use the stoplight metaphor for this, where, uh, if we’re talking right now and everything is green, everything is amazing, we feel really comfortable, we can stay in the green space if it’s uncomfortable or, you know, it’s right at the edge, that would be the yellow and if you’re like, holy cow.

I’m going to be completely contracted, and I’m not going to be able to function the rest of the day. That would be red. So we want to say, like, green yellow and avoid, like, red. Does that make sense? Okay, awesome. Uh, so I [00:31:00] invite you to, um, share with us some type of challenge or issue and I’ll, I’ll take care of time and let you know when.

[00:31:12] Diana Burnett: Um, well, I can tell you I already feel, I feel I’m paying attention. So, uh, I’m probably just like nervous, you know, so I feel like little, uh, contracted already, but, um, I think one of the things I have been struggling with is, uh, generational differences. Our team. So as I’m trying to lead, um, our project management department, we have different generations that are forming that team, of course.

And so, uh, there’s one in particular who’s much younger. And so I’m, I’m just really seeing very vividly the [00:32:00] differences and trying to lead that, um, while maintaining consistency from an operation standpoint. And, you know, just trying to row everybody, have everybody row in the same direction, uh, but, but facing a lot of pushback and resistance on things.

Um, And it, it’s just, it’s just very interesting on one hand, but also frustrating on another because it’s really, it feels like, uh, just major blockers, you know, like, we can’t I’m gonna, I’m gonna jump in for

[00:32:31] Matthew Fox: a sec. Is there a very specific situation, like, in the next 30 seconds that you ran into recently?

[00:32:36] Diana Burnett: Um, okay, yes, uh, so, like, the, there’s an issue of Of feeling excluded, like this person feeling excluded from organizational, uh, initiatives, internal and organizational initiatives, wanting to be involved in every single thing and have leadership and [00:33:00] decision making authority without having the experience.

Seems necessary.

[00:33:06] Matthew Fox: Okay. Now that’s fantastic. Like you, you have someone, um, generational challenges. You’re, like, different things are coming up with work. I want you to share with us then, uh, what do you notice in your body? Like, what’s happening right now, like, sensations, so they’re going to be tension, or heaviness, or heat, or cold, like, I, I notice right now my body’s getting a little bit warm with excitement.

[00:33:33] Diana Burnett: Okay. Uh, uh, I feel, yeah, I think, uh, upper body tension.

[00:33:42] Matthew Fox: Okay.

[00:33:43] Diana Burnett: Um, maybe a little heat.

[00:33:46] Matthew Fox: A little bit of heat?

[00:33:47] Diana Burnett: Maybe. And

[00:33:48] Matthew Fox: where do you notice the tension? Like what part of your body?

[00:33:51] Diana Burnett: Um, uh, upper, upper back and shoulders.

[00:33:57] Matthew Fox: Okay. Fantastic. So you’re in the [00:34:00] upper back and shoulder area.

[00:34:02] Diana Burnett: I think so.

[00:34:03] Matthew Fox: Is it, is it hot? Is it cold?

[00:34:05] Diana Burnett: Um. Does it

[00:34:06] Matthew Fox: feel heavy? Does it feel light?

[00:34:09] Diana Burnett: Yeah, warm and heavy.

[00:34:11] Matthew Fox: Warm and heavy. Okay. Okay. Okay. Uh, I invite you to to sink into that. I don’t know if you’re if you develop, uh, somatic awareness in the past, if you’ve done experiences like this, but when I was first doing this work, it’s it’s kind of tricky to be like, Oh, like, what am I really feeling?

Where am I feeling that in my body? And with that, uh, there are the emotions that we were talking about before. So there’s sadness, anger, fear and joy. If you if you had to choose one of those four, which would it be?

[00:34:45] Diana Burnett: Uh, I feel like, I feel like the, the, the honest answer is fear.

[00:34:53] Matthew Fox: Perfect.

[00:34:53] Diana Burnett: Like, I don’t want to say that if, you know, I want it to be something else, but I think it’s fear.

[00:34:58] Matthew Fox: And notice just [00:35:00] the internal resistance about owning your truth in this moment. And so with fear then, and I know I showed that diagram before, fear typically shows up in our stomach and it can show up in different parts of our body. Uh, but for the purposes of this exercise, there’s the questions we’re going to go back to.

So, what is the danger or threat?

[00:35:24] Diana Burnett: Um, it, it, this is, this is, this, I, okay, let me try to form a sentence. Um, the threat is that it will be perceived that I am not leading the team collectively or this person successfully.

[00:35:46] Matthew Fox: And what happens if you don’t lead the team or lead that person successfully?

[00:35:52] Diana Burnett: then I, I am not doing a good job.

[00:35:55] Matthew Fox: Yeah.

[00:35:56] Diana Burnett: No.

[00:35:57] Matthew Fox: Yeah. That’s scary. Like if you don’t do a good [00:36:00] job, like what could happen if you don’t do a good job?

[00:36:02] Diana Burnett: Um, I lose my job. I don’t know. You lose your job. I mean, yeah.

[00:36:08] Matthew Fox: And so what do you notice in your body right now? As we’re talking about this

[00:36:13] Diana Burnett: stomach,

[00:36:14] Matthew Fox: your stomach. Okay. I noticed how like the tension was up here and it moved to your stomach.

That’s, that’s fantastic self awareness. And this is what we want to cultivate. This is what we want to get really curious about. And my invitation is, uh, are you willing in the next couple minutes to let that get as big as it wants to get right now?

[00:36:36] Diana Burnett: Sure. Okay, do you

[00:36:37] Matthew Fox: notice, do you notice any impulses?

Like sometimes with fear we may, like we may freeze. Uh, you may want to run out of the room. You may want to like crawl under your desk. Like, is anything coming up for you?

[00:36:51] Diana Burnett: Um, I don’t, I mean, I know as soon as you started this, I was like, oh no, I should not have volunteered for this. [00:37:00] Uh, totally out of my comfort zone.

So, uh, no, I mean, I think I’m, I’m, I’m good. I’m okay with it. I don’t feel like I want to run away.

[00:37:12] Matthew Fox: Okay.

[00:37:13] Diana Burnett: I feel a little, I’m a little uncomfortable. Yeah. Okay,

[00:37:15] Matthew Fox: how’s your breathing right now?

[00:37:19] Diana Burnett: Uh, shallow.

[00:37:20] Matthew Fox: Okay. And, uh, how’s your, you’re sitting in a chair? Yeah? Are you leaning forward? Are you leaning backward?

Like, do you feel like you’re perfectly sitting up straight?

[00:37:32] Diana Burnett: I’m a little like, uh, like, like this way, you know, like arms and legs up sort of just like barely.

[00:37:41] Matthew Fox: Okay.

[00:37:42] Diana Burnett: Not totally relaxed. Yeah.

[00:37:43] Matthew Fox: So are you, are you willing to get, let those feelings get bigger in this moment?

[00:37:48] Diana Burnett: Yes.

[00:37:49] Matthew Fox: Let, let them get as big as they want to.

[00:37:52] Diana Burnett: Okay. Yes.

[00:37:54] Matthew Fox: And this is your space. So you’re, you’re gonna, uh, [00:38:00] you can either think or you can About, like, what happens if you have to let this person go? What happens if they let you go because you couldn’t manage the team?

[00:38:11] Diana Burnett: Mm hmm.

[00:38:12] Matthew Fox: And just notice what your body is doing right now.

[00:38:18] Diana Burnett: Yeah. Like, I,

[00:38:19] Matthew Fox: for me, like, I notice, like, my throat is tightening up a little bit. Like, I can feel, uh, like, I definitely feel a lot more heat going through this right now. I’m wondering what you’re noticing in your body.

[00:38:31] Diana Burnett: Uh, yeah, I feel like everything’s moving up from my stomach back up into the just like neck and shoulder tension, more heat.

[00:38:43] Matthew Fox: So sadness, anger, fear, joy?

[00:38:48] Diana Burnett: Yeah, uh, yeah, all three sadness, anger, fear. Okay,

[00:38:54] Matthew Fox: so there’s something called, uh, the inner map where there are [00:39:00] feelings that are below sadness, anger, and fear. So this can be despair or guilt or shame. Okay. And typically what happens is we’re going to be a little bit more like collapsed.

Like, do you, what, what do you notice about what’s happening in your body? Like, is it forward? Is it backward?

[00:39:18] Diana Burnett: Yeah. Forward. Um, yeah, it’s almost like embarrassment maybe.

[00:39:24] Matthew Fox: Okay. Yeah. So I invite you to go ahead and take a deep breath in and sit up a little bit straighter and the goal isn’t to like force the energy or do anything with it, but just what do you notice as you, you take that deep breath and you set up?

[00:39:40] Diana Burnett: Um, yeah, I’ve, uh, Everything kind of is less of what it was, maybe. It’s not completely gone, but I feel more comfortable.

[00:39:53] Matthew Fox: Yep. How are your shoulders right now?

[00:39:56] Diana Burnett: Pretty good. It’s pretty straight, I feel like. Okay. Is there any tension? [00:40:00] Um, not really.

[00:40:02] Matthew Fox: Okay. How’s your jaw?

[00:40:05] Diana Burnett: Relaxed.

[00:40:06] Matthew Fox: Okay. So then, uh, from where you were before, from where you are now, do you still feel contracted or do you feel in an expanded state?

Okay.

[00:40:16] Diana Burnett: I do feel more expanded.

[00:40:18] Matthew Fox: Okay. And if, and you can come back to me if, if it’s like, oh no, it’s like, it seems like there’s still something stuck there. I invite you to let me know about it, but go ahead and take another deep breath in. And I invite you to get curious to, you can hum. So when we hum this act, this activates processes in our body that allow us to be in a more curious state.

So it could be. Hmm. You know, what does Diana want? And what do you want in relation to what’s going on or what we’ve been talking about?

[00:40:56] Diana Burnett: Okay. So I should hum.

[00:40:58] Matthew Fox: Well, you can hum or if you have an [00:41:00] idea, like if something’s coming up about what you want, you can, you’re welcome to share that.

[00:41:05] Diana Burnett: Um, well, I don’t, I don’t know what I want. Um,

I mean, in general with the situation, I want to move, I want everybody to just move past it. Okay. Like, let’s move past so we can work together more seamlessly.

[00:41:30] Matthew Fox: And what would you get if everyone got together and worked seamlessly?

[00:41:35] Diana Burnett: Uh, well, better camaraderie and just, uh, greater momentum.

[00:41:44] Matthew Fox: Okay. Greater momentum, greater camaraderie.

And what would you get if you got those things?

In like one word[00:42:00]

[00:42:01] Diana Burnett: stability

[00:42:02] Matthew Fox: stability. Okay. I I invite you to say I want stability and then notice what happens in your body when you say that

[00:42:10] Diana Burnett: I want stability.

[00:42:13] Matthew Fox: And what do you notice in your body? Does it does it feel like the energy is? Like moving up and it feels solid or does it feel scattered?

[00:42:23] Diana Burnett: It feels like still.

Still. Fantastic. Like I feel still.

[00:42:32] Matthew Fox: So then, uh, with wanting stability, what’s one measurable and pleasurable way that you can get stability or that you can do something that helps you feel stable in the next 48 hours?

[00:42:47] Diana Burnett: Specific to what we’re

[00:42:49] Matthew Fox: talking about. Specific to that or something, but it’s something that you have control over.

It’s something that you have that, like, you’re not looking to an outside person.[00:43:00]

[00:43:00] Diana Burnett: Ooh. Uh.

I think, I feel stability when I plan.

[00:43:12] Matthew Fox: Okay.

[00:43:13] Diana Burnett: So, like, if I

[00:43:14] Matthew Fox: Now, do you, do you enjoy planning things?

[00:43:18] Diana Burnett: Yes.

[00:43:19] Matthew Fox: Okay. It’s okay if you do. I know for me, sometimes I’m just like, Oh my gosh, I have to plan. This is exhausting. I just want to make sure for you, like you enjoy planning.

[00:43:28] Diana Burnett: Especially at work.

[00:43:29] Matthew Fox: Okay.

[00:43:30] Diana Burnett: Less at home because I feel like I’m exhausted from planning.

[00:43:33] Matthew Fox: Okay.

[00:43:34] Diana Burnett: Yeah.

[00:43:36] Matthew Fox: All right. So is there, is there something like measurable, pleasurable and achievable that you can plan and The next two days.

[00:43:44] Diana Burnett: Well, yes. I mean, we’re, I’m kicking off a new project today.

[00:43:49] Matthew Fox: Okay.

[00:43:50] Diana Burnett: And I’ve already done a lot of planning and I feel excellent about where it is because I put the time into it.

So that is like, I know that it will be a really good feeling later this [00:44:00] afternoon.

[00:44:00] Matthew Fox: So that’s, that’s great. And that’s something that you’ve already done. And this is a really interesting thing. And I’ll talk about this in the, as we kind of wrap here in a couple minutes, Is there something else maybe that you haven’t planned?

Or like a planning activity that you could do where it’s going to evoke those same feelings, but maybe you haven’t started on yet or maybe.

[00:44:23] Diana Burnett: Okay. Uh, and it can be different, totally different. Anything. Yeah, it could

[00:44:28] Matthew Fox: be anything you want.

[00:44:28] Diana Burnett: Okay. Um, how about I could, uh, I could make my meal plan for an upcoming week long trip with family where we’re all staying together.

[00:44:42] Matthew Fox: Fantastic.

[00:44:43] Diana Burnett: Okay. Yeah, that’s

[00:44:44] Matthew Fox: good. That’s like, now, the last piece is, do you want accountability around that? Like, do you, uh, is that something that you feel like you’re going to be able to do, or would it help to get support?

[00:44:54] Diana Burnett: Um, no, I think I want to do it. I think I feel like I want to be in control of it, [00:45:00] if I’m being honest.

[00:45:01] Matthew Fox: Awesome. Way to go. Fantastic job. Like,

[00:45:05] Diana Burnett: okay,

[00:45:06] Matthew Fox: great. No. Are you, are you okay if we spend a couple minutes kind of talking through what we just went through?

[00:45:12] Diana Burnett: Yeah.

[00:45:13] Matthew Fox: And, and talking, and this, I’m going to open this up to the larger group. So, there’s a couple things that I, I want to point out. First, uh, thank you, Diana.

Fantastic work. You’re, you’re the one that was doing all of the work here. Like, I, I was just simply giving you questions or, or helping you approach it, but you’re the one actually doing all that. And what was that like for you?

[00:45:38] Diana Burnett: Uh, mostly uncomfortable. Not terrible, but yes, I didn’t, I was a little uncomfortable, but, um, but feels good to know that I can think that way about everyday events, work or personal or whatever, and kind of walk myself through it in that way.

[00:45:58] Matthew Fox: Yeah.

[00:45:59] Diana Burnett: I feel like I’ve [00:46:00] learned today.

[00:46:01] Matthew Fox: The intriguing thing about this is that this is a relatively simple tool that you did the work on and it was interesting for me to hear and watch you as, you know, you’re talking about this. Generational thing, which you have no control over, but none of us have any control over that.

Like, this is what is going to happen. There’s, there’s multiple generations on the call right now. And we’re trying to do our best to, to speak to all of them. And generally speaking, we’re showing up in the best way we can. Like we may have things happening that are outside of our control. We may have personalities that are outside of our control, but what we do have control over and what you just.

beautifully showed us here is although you have these things that you very much want to control that you, you want to do something about, you can take action and you can get stability in your life through planning. [00:47:00] And this can come up, these tools are applicable, whether we’re in partnership or we’re working on a project or whatever things are coming up in our life.

Uh, we may be a little resistant, for example, I, I love the fact that you’re like, I think I feel afraid, but I’m afraid to say that I’m afraid. And just notice, I have no agenda in this, but this was all for you. This was all for that space of you stepping into that and being like, wow, I, I’m afraid. And what did it, uh, what did it feel like to you to be able to say, like, I want to say one thing, but this is what’s really going on for me.

[00:47:41] Diana Burnett: Um, well, I just wanted to be honest, I guess. Um, yeah, it’s hard because this is, in this space even, we want to present our best selves and it’s hard to admit anything that feels less [00:48:00] than maybe what we think it should be in our heads, you know? Yeah.

[00:48:04] Matthew Fox: No, can you repeat what you just said?

[00:48:07] Diana Burnett: I don’t know. Uh, maybe, um, it’s hard to, I’ll butcher it.

I it’s hard. It’s hard to, um, we want to present ourselves in the best way that we can in this space of, you know, peers and things. Um, but so it’s hard to admit. If anything is, you know, we’re thinking something or feeling something less than what we think we should be.

[00:48:40] Matthew Fox: Yeah. Now, uh, for those of you that are listening in chat, I realize some of you may be listening to the recording, but for those of you listening now, especially with the point that Diana just mentioned, if you Felt this way if you’ve noticed this coming up I invite you to go ahead and and hit that react button and hit the [00:49:00] heart or put something in chat I I know for me I deal with that constantly like I I am a dpm expert There is a specific way that i’m supposed to show up.

There’s a specific thing that i’m supposed to do I’m, I like i’m supposed to have all of these things where I build this castle of shoulds I I sit under the tyranny of you know I should be different than I am. And if I’m not doing the things and I’m noticing all the hearts coming in. So that’s the thing we condition and we have these commitments to showing up a certain way in the world that isn’t reflective of what’s actually happening around us.

And then we were buying into this narrative of I’m leading a team of project managers. I’m supposed to show up a certain way. I should be doing things a certain way, instead of just recognizing the reality of things that are outside of our control, that [00:50:00] I’ve got a multi generational project team that I have no control over, but there are certain things that like you can control how, how you do show up.

Like you, you have control over what goes on with your internal world. And this is, this is what comes back to the tools. And if any of you have any other questions about what we saw, if any of you want to come off of mute and share what that was like for you while you were watching, I know Kathleen and some of the others aren’t in a space you can do that.

So feel free to put it in the chat. But the more we build up these narratives, the more we sit in this space of I need to show up a certain way because of things outside of me are expecting that the less we’re actually able to fully show up, and the more we sit in that contracted state. And I’ve, I’ve done this throughout my entire career, like, this shows up and this deals with imposter syndrome, this shows up and it, we may not actually be able to see the [00:51:00] solution of how to get the generations to work together because we’re like, Oh my gosh, they’re not working together and I can’t fix it.

Instead of let me get into a space of expansion and figure out how we can. Um, I’m wondering, uh, for anyone else, I, again, if you want to share in chat, uh, anyone else want to come off a mute and share?

[00:51:22] Michael Mordak: I just want to say, first of all, That Diana, that was amazing. Like, thank you so much for sharing and for being open and honest.

Uh, it was incredible. Uh, and it was really, really helpful for everyone else here to, to get to witness that. And I think, I mean, from what, I don’t know if you had the chat open, but like every time you mentioned something, like people were in agreement, you know, saying like that they feel the same things.

They totally relate. Um, so. I think it’s really important to also to notice that like, even though we can easily get into these head spaces where we’re in that contracted state, like. It’s, there are so many [00:52:00] people that have been in that place and are currently in that place. Um, like you’re never, you’re really never like alone in that, in that kind of head space.

So I really, really wanted to say thank you so much for, for sharing and being open. That was amazing to hear. Um, and I felt, it’s funny because you were talking about where you felt everything in your body. I was just, I was feeling it. All in the same way. It’s so funny. Like I felt it reflected in my own body, just hearing you describe it even, cause I can kind of, I can just like put myself in that space.

So, so yeah, thank you, uh, hugely for, for sharing. Um, and I’ll also say one thing. We don’t have to release the recording of this on the site. If you don’t, if you’d prefer not to.

[00:52:37] Diana Burnett: Yeah, I was actually, I was thinking about that. I was like, Oh, like I was. I don’t know.

[00:52:42] Michael Mordak: Yeah. It’s totally fine. It’s totally fine.

Yeah. We have like the first half talks about all the, the, the things at a high level and that’s like, I’m happy to just share that. I mean, it, it will recording is only ever, uh, available to members only. So there’s that, but like, yeah, I’m a hundred percent capable of not just not posting it.

[00:52:59] Diana Burnett: [00:53:00] Okay. I’ll, I’ll chat with you after.

[00:53:02] Michael Mordak: Yeah, sure. For sure.

[00:53:04] Matthew Fox: Awesome. Well, we have, we have two minutes left. If anyone wants to, to ask any other questions. Diana, if there’s anything else for you that came up that you want to, that you’re curious about, or you have questions about, let me know. And if not, I’ll, I’ll go into a wrap up.

[00:53:21] Michael Mordak: There, there’s a really great question there, a comment there from Kathleen, about having like prompts or steps for that self work.

I wonder if there’s maybe like a. Like, uh, just like a handout that we could do. That’s like those questions that you were prompting to Diana, like that we could just use, like maybe keep it on the side of your desk, you know, when you notice that you’re in that space, like just be able to walk through that exercise

[00:53:42] Matthew Fox: or

[00:53:42] Michael Mordak: recording of you asking those questions.

[00:53:45] Matthew Fox: We could do, we could do a recording of the questions as well. Uh, I’ll, I’ll defer to you on that one of what medium you would like that in. And. Um, like that’s the fun part about all of this is like, you all have the power and the ability to do this, [00:54:00] especially like I go and I practice this every couple of weeks with a men’s group.

And I’ve been practicing this for years now. Um, I, I use these tools as I’ve gotten more adept at using them with myself. And part of this is an example of radical self care of really, of learning how to take back. There’s so much either things that we’re trying to control. There’s so much where. I want to just be able to like, like make things right.

Like if everything would just work this perfect way, like the world would be perfect. And then like all the projects would deliver on time and everything would be amazing. And that’s not the reality of project management. The reality of project management is we sit in a highly uncertain, confusing and challenging world, and we have to be the ones to stay at the center of it, to try to keep our cool.

And it’s through using tools like this. It’s through embracing conscious leadership that we’re able to do that. So for any of those, um, Of you that are still listening if you have questions, feel free to put them in slack I’m happy to answer them [00:55:00] diana. I encourage you to drink water today Maybe go for a walk or do some breathing exercises after this if you can Fantastic job.

Thank you so much for volunteering And that puts us at the top of the hour.

[00:55:13] Michael Mordak: Thanks. Thank you so much. Thanks so much everybody. Really appreciate it Huge. Thank you